The Rules

I broke the rules today.

I stormed into the hospital shortly after dawn and raised my voice to nurses knowing full well that there would be two results: the nurses would get flustered and start paying attention to Amy, and Amy would become even more upset because she knew I was taking out my frustrations on the wrong people. She's right; the nurses I bullied today were not the ones who had ignored Amy's needs last night, those nurses were gone by the time I could break out of work early and rush to the hospital in what could almost constitute a rage.

None the less, my fuming got Amy some attention. It got us both some answers.

I broke the rules today.

There was a Deacons meeting tonight. I wasn't there. I knew I wouldn't be, I'm too tired and too emotional these days and I knew that my fellow Deacons would take the opportunity to focus on Amy and me. The result would be our situation would dominate the meeting, perhaps to the neglect of others in our church who are also in need.

I know the Deacons still prayed for us and discussed what the church could do. I took great comfort in knowing the church is there for us, I simply couldn't be there for it

I broke the rules today.

I finally got a decent nap this afternoon following a rather traumatic morning at the hospital, and woke up determined to get in a good frustration venting walk. It was hot, so I took along a bottle of water. That lasted about a block. It was real hot. Too hot to be walking, much less marching along like a mad man on a mission with hand weights no less. I completed the walk, but I did have to stop when I found a shady spot and sit for about five minutes for fear I might keel over dead.

Still I tired myself out, which I wanted to do...in truth I've been averaging about 2 hours sleep a night lately and it's manifesting itself in many ways.

I broke the rules today.

Upon returning from my walk in a sweaty heap, I immediately went the fridge and slammed down a diet Pepsi. I don't usually drink soft drinks at all, but it was cold and it was good. I then had an ice cream bar I found in the freezer and followed it with another. I haven't treated myself to real ice cream in many many months. Even when on vacation during our almost nightly family excursions to the ice cream shop I restricted myself to frozen yogurt.

I weighed in this afternoon at 179 pounds, less than I weighed in college. I don't think today's backsliding will sabotage my health regimen and considering the various ways I've attempted to escape pain in the past, it's almost laughable to even be discussing a diet Pepsi and frozen heath bar 'bender'.

I broke the rules today.

As I walked I listened to various songs I have on my pocket PC, every so often I change them out, one rule I have is make sure there is a lot of diversity in the song list. Today however there were two versions of "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" that came up back to back. I listened to them both and remembered.

Even in times I am angry or weak, in those times when I make seemingly bad decisions or lapse into self pity and quick fix comforts. I am not alone and despite it all I am truly blessed.

In the end...God rules and He does not break.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!