"AWAY, THOU ISSUE OF A MANGY DOG!"

I felt sorry for him, which made me feel even worse for wanting him dead.

My Customer Service Representative from T-Mobile was very polite and very understanding. He sounded too young to die. Especially a violent death.

Amy and I have been plunged into a swirl of digital dementia with our mobile phone service. It's so bizarre I'm having a hard time even explaining it.

First off, we get random voicemails from people who are obviously calling someone else. Initially, I chalked this up to wrong numbers, but it was happening too often. Then I started getting messages in my voicemail from people calling Amy's phone. Eventually, we determined that our mobile phone voice mail systems are co-mingling, not only with each other -- which presumably is permissible in mobile phone morality since our phone bills are combined, and we're married -- but also with complete stranger's voicemail systems. Moreover, my "voicemail greeting" is now the same as Amy's. If I change mine, it changes hers, and vica versa.
If someone leaves a message for Amy, it might go to her voicemail box...it might go to mine...it sometimes goes to both and I suspect it sometimes goes to a complete stranger.

Sensing this was a problem, I called my Customer Service Representative and tried my best to explain it. Following my explanation this is sort of how it went:

CSR, "Please hold."
Delightful musical interlude
CSR, "Mr. Main?"
Yes?
CSR, "It appears you and your wife both have the same message on your voicemail."
I'm aware of that, that's why I'm calling. I used to have my own message but now we're co-mingled. I guess I didn't explain it well.
CSR, "Please hold."
Somewhat redundant musical interlude
CSR, "Mr. Main?"
Yes?
CSR, "I'm going to send a test voice mail to your voicemail system. Can you hold?"
Yes.
Annoying musical interlude
CSR, "Mr. Main?"
Yes.
CSR, "Does your phone show you've received a voice mail message?"
No.
CSR, "Please hold."
Crappy Musak
CSR, "Mr. Main?"
Yes?
CSR, "This is a known issue."
What's that mean?
CSR, "Well, it means our technical services department is aware of this problem in your area."
That's reassuring. So, when will it be fixed?
CSR, "Please hold."
Throbbing sound of blood pulsing through my veins with slight strains of Mozart still discernible in the background.
CSR, "Mr. Main?"
Still here.
CSR,"I don't have that information, but I am authorized to give both of your phones 200 extra calling minutes."
Will the problem be fixed by the time I use up those 200 minutes?
CSR, "Please hold."
Stroke-inducing staccato
CSR, "Mr. Main?"
Is there someone else you expect to be here?
CSR, "Sorry, to keep you holding. There is no time frame for fixing the problem."
What's that mean?
CSR, "Well, it means it's a known issue."
Does that mean someone knows when it will be fixed?
CSR, "I'm sure someone does."
So when will it be fixed?
CSR, "Well, I don't have that information."
Does someone else?
CSR, "I'm sure someone else does, since it's a known issue"
Can you call them?
CSR, "Well, I don't know who to call exactly."
So it's a known issue, that someone knows will be fixed, and someone knows when it will be fixed, but you don't know who that someone is?"
CSR, "Please hold."

CLICK!

I had to hang up. I needed to call my lawyer to see what constitutes justifiable homicide.