"Survey Says......."

I know there's a reasonable explanation for this (because Amy reasonably explained it to me*) but I have to admit it stumped me when I first read it.

I guess the new trend for merchants is to hand you a receipt for whatever you've purchased and then add, "There's a code on there and a web address. If you go to that website and put in the code, you can win X number of dollars in our weekly/monthly/daily drawing simply for filling out a short survey."

I don't win any money, but lately I've been littered with these "survey receipts."

Yesterday I received three of them. One from Starbucks, another from Target, and yet another from a restaurant where Amy and I had a rare lunch "out" thanks in large part to the gift card my youngest daughter, Lisa, gave me for my birthday.

So this evening I thought I'd do myself a favor and empty the junk out of my wallet (it's full of receipts not cash) and since the computer was nearby the trash can, I filled out those various surveys.

I'm a little wary of such things, but with multiple email addresses and phone numbers I have few worries about getting more spam than I already receive, or calls from solicitors. Still, I do at least give a cursory glance to the privacy statements and the contest "rules."

I can't remember which survey it was, but one of them had this caveat buried in all the jargon - and this is a direct quote:

"If a potential winner is a Canadian resident, such person must correctly answer a mathematical skill-testing question prior to awarding the prize."


I must admit that I laughed when I read it. I mean there wasn't any additional explanation in the "rules." It's like the contest organizers were saying, "Well, before we give a Canadian money we better make sure they're not too drunk or stupid."

I don't mean to offend Canadians - if that were my intent I'd compare them to the French - but isn't that kind of an odd line to drop in the middle of the usual fine print of a contest?

If I were a Canadian, I'd be offended...of course I'd also be embarrassed, but that's another story....Oh lighten up, I'm just kidding...eh?

To any Canadians I might have ticked off by this little bit of levity I'd ask that you count to ten and calm down.

Okay, maybe five.

Alright you can just count to three, but that's my final offer.






* Oh you want the reasonable explanation? In Canada, at least according to Amy, you can't have contests that give away money. I'm sure the 'official' explanation contains more legalese, but in essence games of 'chance' are a "Non Non." Thus, to win the big bucks from the Starbucks/Target/Chili's survey you have to win a 'game of skill.' Math is a skill...filling out surveys on the Internet is not.

Hey, that's Amy's explanation and it works for me.

I wondered how Dudley Doright was staying busy these days...

Ordainary Me

Okay, had a little idle time...so I decided to become an ordained Minister.

It took several mouse clicks and no cash.

Those were my basic criteria before I embarked on this mission. Plus I wanted to knock it out before noon.

Luckily I found a free ordination site in a couple of seconds. I followed the explicit instructions...um, I filled out my name and stuff. Then I hit the "Ordain me" button.

Poof!

Technically, I was ordained once before. In our previous church, I was ordained as a Deacon, but I thought it was time I moved up on the theological food chain...became the big Kahuna..."Minister."

Now our current church doesn't really need another Minister - at least not the likes of me - but luckily the Church of Spiritual Humanism seems to have plenty of openings.

Amazing how that works out...ain't it? Must be a God thing :)


Amy is fond of saying, "You can't swing a dead cat in our family without hitting an ordained Minister or someone named Michael." I figured this way I'd be killing two birds with...well, I guess with one dead cat.

Moments after I hit the "Ordain me" button I received an email confirming my ordination, my higher place in the pecking order of piety, my ticket to the pulpit.

How much more official could it get than an email like this one?


******************************************************
This notice hereby confirms that

Michael Main
ADDRESS OMITTED DUE TO COMMON SENSE
SAN ANTONIO
Texas
782XX
USA
is an ordained member of the clergy of
The Church of Spiritual Humanism
Date of Ordination: July 17, 2008
Ordained by R. A. Zorger, President
www.SpiritualHumanism.org

*******************************************

I can't find a Church of Spiritual Humanism in the phone book, but I'm leaning toward televangelism anyway and we all know that a church is not a building it's a community...in my case, at this moment, it's a community of one, if you don't count the dead cat. Amy hasn't been won over yet, she's busy doing earthly stuff.

Although I'm perfectly content with my email ordination notice, I realize one day I may need a few more accoutrements to bring non-believers into the fold who may cast aspersions upon my "official" email from R.A. Zorger.

Amazingly, the Church of Spiritual Humanism just so happens to be able to have such things available.

God provides.


Once my televangelist career takes off, I'm figuring I'll go for top o' the line, spare no expense. I'm going to get myself the "Deluxe Clergy Service Pack."



What more could I possibly need? As you can see it comes with everything from a "Clergy car placard" to a real CD-ROM - more than a $100 value! Heck I can even pick my title. I don't have to be shackled to the title of "Minister" or "Reverend"...the drop down menu offers choices ranging from "Apostle of Humanity" to "Swami."

I'll have to give that some thought. I mean I just got ordained and all...I don't want to rush into this...besides my noon deadline is nearing.

In the interim, I may buy the "Basic Clergy Service Pack"...it's being offered at a miraculously low price of 15 bucks, plus shipping and handling.



You'll note it still includes five "Get Ordained Free" cards.

Anyone wanna buy one?

Yeah, I know they're supposed to be free, but remember I'm going for that televangelist goal.

Gotta start somewhere...and it's almost noon.


Go with God my children...

Electoral Nonsense

If only I could just vote for the Jib Jab guys...

This is for JibJab's® eCard Plug!

Keep Your Virgin Mary Toast

Sure laugh all you want...but Jesus is calling.

At least in Corpus Christi.


Folks there are eying a telephone pole which appears to have a mysterious image on it resembling Jesus.

When I first looked at the photos I thought it was a stretch...then I realized I was looking in the wrong place.

That happens a lot when I'm trying to find Christ, but that's another story.

You be the judge. I highlighted it a bit so you wouldn't make the same mistake I did.

OH! So THAT'S where I've been!

Okay...time to decode, decompress, deflate (okay, that may take some exercise) and delineate some of what's been going on.

I had to be a little cryptic very cryptic in recent weeks because Amy and I were out of town and because of the nightmarish situation we had with two of our former "Upper Room Ministry" guests, I didn't want to put our home, house sitter, dogs, and cars in any further jeopardy. Forgive me, but telling everyone who stops by here that we were in Ohio seemed imprudent at the time.

What few remaining long time readers still stop by here could probably deduce that we were off on our usual trek to Ohio, but this year was special in that we were celebrating the marriages of four people we love dearly. Our son Joey and his new bride Sarah, and our nephew Sam and his new bride, Leslie.

Sam and Leslie got married on June 29th in Lakeside, Ohio and it was a wondrous affair.



Less than a week later, Joey and Sarah tied the knot, also at Lakeside, Ohio and there are few things in this life that have made me happier...

They were pretty excited too.





Needless to say, it's been a wondrous time in our family and I felt a little guilty not sharing more with you as events were unfolding.


Yeah, I got over it :)


And like a cherry on top of a delicious ice cream sundae (I really do need to deflate) yesterday we learned one of our other nephews and his bride welcomed a new addition into the family. Matt and Jodi ushered their son Lucas into the world.



Sometimes I have trouble hearing God...sometimes God screams.

And life is very very good.


The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be God my Savior!

Jose Can You See...er Be Jesus?

I get a lot of press releases.

I don't get too many announcing the arrival of Jesus Christ.

I did get this one though...

==========

Subject: URGENT: GLOBAL MEDIA ADVISORY For Immediate Release: July 2, 2008 URGENT: MEDIA ADVISORY The man Christ Jesus arrives in Stafford, TX next week Everyone is talking about the arrival of the man Christ Jesus in Stafford, Texas on July 13th, 2008. Come and meet the man making news headlines in each country He visits, and listen to His message which confirms Him as the Second Coming of Christ. This LIVE broadcast will be transmitted to all nations through world renowned TELEGRACIA channel (telegracia.com), and webcast is tuned in by 103 countries through www.creciendoengracia.com <http://www.creciendoengracia.com/> . Find out more about Dr. Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda, the incarnation of God in a man, and see why global followers already acknowledge that it is not the year 2008, but rather Year 62 after JH (the Second Coming). WHEN: July 13th, 2008 WHERE: Stafford Civic Center - 1625 Staffordshire Rd. Stafford, TX TIME: 3:00pm (CDT) / 4:00pm (ET) WHAT: National Convention USA 2008 with the honorable presence of The man Christ Jesus, Dr. Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda Open to the public - Free Admission VIDEO: Watch promo video -

(Video inserted by me to save you a click...-MM)



CONFIRMED MEDIA: E! A True Hollywood Story (USA) * British Documentary (UK) * Vision TV (Canada)(( OH BOY! E!-mm)) MEDIA CONTACTS: Axel Poessy (248) 460-3844 pr@creciendoengracia.com # # # The Government of God on Earth Ministerio Internacional Creciendo en Gracia World Headquarters - 8000 NW 25 St. Miami, FL 33122 Tel: (305) 994-9194 Fax: (305) 994-9195 www.creciendoengracia.com <http://www.creciendoengracia.com/>


===========================


This guy has gotten a lot of press already, but since he's coming to Texas I felt sort of obligated to pass along the press release from Jesus.

Oh...also if you don't know where Stafford is located, um...like me...here's a map



Not sure why Jesus chose Stafford, but I guess next week we can ask...

Thank God...or um...Jose.

Attacks Of The Heart

Obviously I'm not writing here much these days...

There are many reasons for that, but most recently it's been a matter of self-preservation.

We have borne witness to murder and the weapon was so deceitful and conniving that we were unaware of its very existence.

I'm sorry this is so cryptic. The folks who have emailed me out of concern know a bit more, but most details must be left unspoken, unwritten in any forum...for now.

That only makes it worse, but I am limited for our lives have been forever changed, our viewpoint has been corrupted, our hearts have been pierced and suddenly the world is grayer...darker...we have been robbed, vandalized, and something so dear to our faith and our future has been mortally wounded.

Suffice it to say Amy and I have suffered a crisis of faith.

Faith in people.

Our faith in God is unshaken, perhaps it has been made stronger...but the sacrifice required for that strengthened faith is an open wound. It will not heal. It may in time scar over, but the wound will remain and I fear at the time our faith should be strongest it will twitch...it will sting...it will cause us to doubt.

And we will remember, we will hesitate...and that's all it takes...doubt, fear, distrust...those are weapons now etched on our hearts. Hardened hearts...it's not listed as an official crime, but believe me causing such a thing would be ranked as a capital offense were I writing the laws.

The few folks who know us or who still read my occasional ramblings already know...what only days ago I staunchly defended, I now must renounce.

We are in mourning...for a ministry...a ministry murdered.


Over the past 4 or 5 years I can't count the number of people who have told/asked us:
a:) You're crazy
b:) Why would you 'take a risk' on people you don't know?
c:) Do you really believe God is calling you to this?
d:) You should focus on you and Amy, cloister yourselves...don't you realize the danger?

I could go on...and on.

My answers have always been the same.

We know the risks.
We have faith in God.
People who need us obviously have 'messy' lives, we don't expect life to be 'tidy' in trying to help them.
I understand 'the gift of suffering.'
I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them, no matter their past we start fresh.
We don't care where they've been, we are only concerned with who they are, and how we might help them see who they can be.
We have felt a real calling, believe me it's not the first time I've doubted it, but God has reinforced that call to us over and over again... at our lowest points... that this is what He wants us to do.
No, we can't afford it.
We'll find a way.
God will provide.

All of those answers are still true....except now I've added another.

Someday God will explain this to us...for now we will pray and try not to become jaded by the evil we've witnessed and endured.


In recent weeks I honestly believe I have stared Satan in the face and not realized it. I'll be the first to admit that it turned our world upside down.

But our faith remains strong.

We have, we pray, banished evil from our home, forgiven what can't be forgotten, and imposed restrictions on our lives I never thought imaginable.

Our lives have been forever changed, and what's worse is that change now forbids us from opening our home to people in need...although we do have some folks staying with us now because of an emergency situation in their lives. Their stay has been outlined in ink and to a large degree they are here to protect us as well as get on their feet. Otherwise Amy says our ministry is on "furlough"...I fear it is dead.

There are guns in our home.

There are security systems...alarms and cameras and locks.

Worst of all, there is that seed of distrust in our hearts.

I have traveled the sewers of life of my own volition. I have sat across from killers separated only by thick wire mesh laden glass. I have heard screams of victims that would curdle your soul...but, right now...in our hearts... this is worse.

I can not bear to dwell in such dark places.

I do believe that God will shed light some day, but today...this day...I can not believe God expects me to put my family, my church, my company or our neighbors at risk.

Trust.

That was the weapon.

The story is sad...one day I'll be less cryptic. I won't write here very often for a while to come, but I felt it only fair to let those of you who I know pray for us often some details...obfuscated as they may be.

Please keep praying.

Then pray some more.

I'm hoping one day I'll be able to understand all this...be less fearful...remove so many of the new boundaries we've imposed on our lives.

Today is not that day.